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By Ann Pruitt, Associate, 60 Second Communications

 

"You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar."

One of the most dreaded jobs of a manager, co-worker, or friend? Giving criticism. Whether you’re a manager delivering disapproval of employee actions, or a best friend delivering news about a friend’s bad breath, and whether you call it constructive criticism, employee development, or any other nice name you want to, it still stinks.

Here are a few strategies that might make it easier to deliver the glancing blows:

1) Be sure of your motive: Especially as a boss, you want to be sure you are criticizing to help someone improve, not to humiliate them, and not to make yourself feel important. Ask these questions to help expose your true motives. Ask:

Have I been insulted, and this is “payback?” Human nature is “fight or flight” when we’ve been hurt, either physically or emotionally. Be sure the criticism isn’t a “fight” reaction by trying to get back at the person.

Will criticizing someone else make me look or feel better? It’s easy to make ourselves look good by making someone else look worse. My department production is low, so whom should I find to blame? Or another popular game we play is the “I am secretly jealous of her, so I’m going to make her suffer.”

Does this criticizing make me feel somehow satisfied? Are you getting too much satisfaction out of giving the critique? Perhaps you’d better re-visit the two questions above.

2) Be very specific: It’s not enough to say, “You need to improve your work.” If you want to see any change in behavior, you need to give explicit statements, examples, and expectations, otherwise you’re just complaining. “I see your reports have been late for three weeks running. When they’re late, the other departments are late getting their reports in, too. I need to have you get your reports in on time, starting this week.” If you can’t give specific statements, examples, and expectations, you need to re-think why you’re criticizing.

3) Provide praise: There’s no need to take away the self-confidence of the person who’s already getting rough feedback. “Your reports are always accurate; however, I see your reports have been late for three weeks running….” Let them know you have confidence in their abilities, and they’ll want to prove you right. This has the added effect that you’ll see there are lots of good things about the person, and keeps you from blowing the one criticism out of proportion.

4) Avoid all-inclusive statements: It’s rare that “You always…” or “You never…” are entirely accurate. Again, give specific examples of when you have seen the behavior. “You’re a really pleasant receptionist, and we’re proud to have you here. However, three out of the last five weeks we’ve had customer complaints about your body odor, so let’s see what we can do to prevent this from happening again.”

5) Deal with the individual, without comparison to others: No one likes to be compared to others. “Joe always makes three sales a week, why can’t you?” puts the person on the defensive. Instead, forget about Joe, and deal with the actions of the individual. “You have a lot of potential, and I’d like to see you do well. So far you’re averaging one and a half sale a week, and I believe you can do better. Let’s set a new goal.”

6) Be willing to offer solutions: You’re more likely to see change in the behavior if you can offer some ways to make the changes. Of course, the responsibility ultimately lies with the other person, but if you can give specific statements, examples, and expectations, as well as specific ideas for improvement (providing for training if appropriate), then you’ve done what you can do.

7) Separate the person from the problem: It’s the behavior that’s bad, not the person. So when giving specific feedback, focus on the actions that are under question so that the criticism doesn’t become a personal attack. They’ll have the excuse that you were out to get them. “You were wrong to be late to the meeting” attacks the person; “Coming late to the meeting was disruptive” attacks the problem.

8) Separate the event and the emotions: The event is the thing that happened, while the emotions are the reactions to the event. They are separate. If you‘ve just been involved in an unpleasant event, give it some time to let your emotions cool down. “I’m so mad at you and you need to stop making decisions without me knowing about it!” isn’t as effective as a statement made after you’ve had a chance to review the event. “I am angry with the way your decisions are being made without my approval. There have been two incidents ….”

9) Confront as soon as possible: When you notice a problem, you’ll want to address it while it’s still fresh in everyone’s minds. Otherwise, the incident becomes history and it will appear that you’re digging up old stuff just to find fault. Sure, it’s a lot easier to ignore an uncomfortable situation, but it doesn’t help the person involved to grow and learn if they’re not aware of the consequences of their actions. Be sure you’ve had enough time to let emotions cool, though, if it’s an emotionally charged situation.

10) Use “I” statements: When you start a sentence like, “You need to…,” it immediately puts the person on the defensive. The natural reaction is, “No, I don’t.” (Read, “You’re not the boss of me!”) So instead, try using “I” to start the sentence. “I have observed some problem behavior.” “I need you to stop using profane language in front of clients.” “I expect you will have this under control by Friday.”

11) Examine from all angles: Think of the situation from the viewpoint of the person(s) involved. How are they seeing it? Did they act out of ignorance of the rules, inexperience, or defiance? When another employee reports an incident to you, think through what their motivation might be in telling you. Understanding the emotions of the involved parties will help you give a more impartial judgment. Sometimes you might discover it’s your actions that need changing!

12) Criticize in person: Talking behind someone’s back is, like, so tacky. Risks include making the present person wonder what you say about them behind their back, losing respect of those who hear you, and the chance that the person being criticized will hear what you said. Also, it makes you look weak, as if you are too afraid to confront the person face-to-face.

13) Criticize in private: There’s the old saying, “Praise in public, criticize in private.” No one likes being called on the carpet in front of their peers. Embarrassed, they’ll feel like everyone is watching them, which they are. But on the other hand, don’t come to them in public to praise them on something that you’ve discussed in private, either. “Bob, your breath is so much better since we talked. We all appreciate it.” Yikes. Make that a private comment.

14) Be accurate: Your understanding of the situation may not be entirely accurate. Before talking to the person(s) involved, get as many specific facts as you can. Asking open questions that require detailed answers will help you get information. Try to avoid getting one side only. Do you need to speak to the parties involved in an incident first to get facts, and then address the behavior?

15) Don’t avoid the situation: Although giving criticism can be unpleasant, avoiding a situation that needs to be changed only makes things worse. Employees need to know when their behavior needs to change; otherwise, they won’t grow as employees and the behavior will not improve. There’s nothing wrong with letting the person know you are uncomfortable, too. “I have some uncomfortable feedback that I need to share with you, but you’re a valued employee here, and you do good work, so I need to address this with you. I have gotten complaints from other employees that you have an unpleasant body odor.”

16) Give them time to react to the news: If you’ve just hit someone with some feedback that may shock or overly embarrass them (body odor, or they’ve been caught in an inappropriate office romance), give them time to process. “We all know about the relationship you and Mary have been carrying on in the office. [They stop hearing you as they realize the impact of your statement.] Company policy has always been that there are no relationships allowed in the office, and so this behavior has to be taken out of the office….” Instead, give the recipient a moment or two to process before going on with the expected changes in behavior. Or, if they are very upset, give only a brief expectation, and set a meeting to further discuss options later that hour, day, or week.

17) Avoid constant nagging: Remember how you used to get nagged when you were young? At some point, you quit listening, and if it was annoying enough, you packed your red wagon and moved out. Frequent or multiple criticisms may lead to people feeling persecuted, with the result that they feel overwhelmed and unwilling or unable to improve. Pick the most important improvement needed, and focus on it before moving on to the next thing at a later date.

18) Ensure mutual understanding: Have them paraphrase the criticism to be sure they understand. “I know we’ve said a lot today. To be sure we’re on the same page, why don’t you re-state what we’ve agreed on, so we both have it clearly in our minds.”

19) Discuss next steps: Help them to understand what they need to do to avoid further criticism. “I need the reports on Friday, before 10am, every week.” “We need to stop customer complaints about your use of bad language. I need you to stop using the words we discussed, immediately.”

20) Try the Sandwich technique: This is an old technique that works. Give a praise, then the criticism, then end with praise. The person is left with a good feeling instead of a sense of discouragement. “Sue, your customer service is commendable, and we truly appreciate that. However, we’re having some difficulty with your appearance….So we agree you will wear more professional dress. OK. I want to again thank you for your hard work and dedication to the company.”

21) Be specific in describing disciplinary actions: It may be appropriate to describe what will happen if they chose not to comply with your directives. “If I get one more late report, I will have to document that in your annual review, and disciplinary action, such as reporting you to the Department Director, may be taken.” Part of being criticized is knowing the consequences of not making behavioral changes. Some people need it as a motivator to change.

22) Be ready to carry out disciplinary actions: If you tell them that next time they’ll get in further trouble, but instead of punishment they get another lecture, they’re going to know your threats don’t hold water. And so will everybody else. Disciplinary action is only as good as your actions. So, don’t make any threats you’re not willing to carry out. And document what your disciplinary action will be, so if the behavior happens again, you can follow through.

23) Be aware that there may be another side to the story: You may not like the ways things are done; however, you may not know the reasons behind them. Before criticizing the way orders are carried out, or complaints are handled, or the way the warehouse is organized, be sure you’ve asked enough questions so that you thoroughly understand why things are done the way they are. You also may not understand the reasons behind employees’ behavior. Maybe Mary’s reports are sloppy not because she’s being defiant, but because she’s having trouble with her vision.

24) Avoid Using “Why”: This is a word that can put one on the defensive. “Why did you move the files?” can sound confrontational, and immediately forces the recipient to defend their actions. Instead, “How did you come to decide that the files needed to be moved?” allows the recipient to explain what thought process they were using.

25) Avoid ambiguity: “Your article submissions aren’t very good. I don’t like them.” Uh…what don’t you like? Give non-ambiguous feedback to get non-ambiguous change. “The article submissions need a more personal touch, with stories that demonstrate your point.”

26) Avoid cornering your opponent: If you go in on the attack, you’re triggering the “fight or flight” instinct. “Your work has been really bad. And your attitude needs improvement.” The recipient is backed against a wall and is forced to fight their way out with argument or defensiveness. Instead, use “I” statements that stick to facts. “I have been concerned about the increased errors in your work lately, and I see you are defensive and angry a lot around the office. What can I help you with to improve on these?” This gives the recipient a chance to respond to the help you’ve offered, not the attack on their work.

27) Give them physical space: Nothing is worse than getting criticized in cramped quarters with nowhere else to look. Physically sit next to or at a 90 degree angle to the person, instead of face to face and knee to knee. Eyes then have somewhere else to look, so uncomfortable eye-to-eye contact is in their control. If you are sitting at your desk, and they’re on the other side, it sets you up as the authority, which may be appropriate at times. At other times, you may want to come out from behind the desk to talk with them.

28) Stick to your objective: First, be sure you know why you’re criticizing, then set the appropriate tone, and then stick to that topic. Don’t let the recipient’s strong personality guide your discussion in another direction, or start an argument in defensiveness. If this happens, say, “As I said, I have two issues to address; 1) your inappropriate behavior at the company picnic, and 2) the treatment of our client at the company dinner. We need to stick to these first. We can discuss your other concerns in a moment.”

29) Don’t confuse constructive criticism with advice: Describing a problem and your expectations, and providing resources is one thing. Saying in an all-knowing voice, “What you need to do is…” is another. Don’t offer unsolicited advice. You can ask if they’d like your advice, or let them know if they’d like to think about things you are available for advice. Just don’t start in giving advice that they may not want.

30) Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff: Sometimes it’s wiser to ignore the behaviors that are personal idiosyncrasies in favor of behaviors that are inappropriate or that could cause harm to self or others. If someone is taking petty cash without properly documenting, that could be cause for dismissal, and is worth addressing. Do they also hum at their desk? Maybe that can be overlooked.

31) Don’t be a know-it-all: Avoid taking on a superior attitude, which only serves to demean the person. Instead of listening to what you’re saying, they’ll be too busy thinking about what a stuck-up you are. Re-read these techniques, and apply these techniques, and you’ll be fine.

32) Time is important: Choosing an appropriate time for your talk can make a big difference. The sooner the better, but dragging someone by the ear into your office after an emotionally charged argument is not setting the stage for constructive criticism. It provides a place to calm down, but that situation needs a good cooling off period before the offender will be able to focus on what you are saying. Also avoid giving criticism before the person has critical responsibilities when they’ll need their focus, like presenting to clients.

33) Avoid rubbing it in: No one likes to be told “I told you so,” and you should avoid it. They’ll find a way to get back at you, like sabotaging your desired outcome, or ignoring you next time. The nice approach is always, well, nice. “I’m seeing such improvement. Thanks for your efforts in changing.”

34) Keep a calm tone: Using words like “curious” or “upset” are more effective than emotionally charged words like “infuriated” or “outraged.” Compare the loud voice saying, “I am absolutely furious with the way you saunter into our meetings 15 minutes late” with the calmer, “I am upset with the way our meetings are interrupted when you arrive late. I expect you to be on time….”

 

Author Bio: Ann Pruitt is an Associate at 60 Second Communications and has a spent her career showing business professionals how to enhance and grow their careers. She wouldn't tell you this herself, so we'll spread the news for her -- she has two, count 'em two, Masters Degrees, one in Management and the other in Education.

 

 

 

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